A philosophical question

[Pepper Pig]

Have been pondering this since being virtually on my own for a few years. How do you resist being selfish? Is selfishness part and parcel of being alone or is it an old age thing? I notice it in myself but have also noticed it in my friends. One girl who I've known since I was 5 has just told the organiser of our school reunion that she won't be coming as she is off to Trent Bridge that day to the cricket. He'd changed the date specifically to suit her, at her request. She is alone and has never had a partner but considers herself a devout practising Christian.

My mother's selfishness was part and parcel of my growing up but she has gone the other way and is now much less severe. We don't get away with much though . . .

[PatsyMFagan]

I think there is more than one kind of selfishness..

There's that which comes from a long time living in your own , so you get used to watching what you want on TV, eating when you want, when you want, sleeping when want. I'm a bit like that and get annoyed when others interrupt what i was planning.

There's another kind of selfishness where you are brought up to be the centre of attention as a child, to get you own way and that continues as an adult .

Then there's the selfishness that is just intrinsic...with no thought to how you might put people out or upset them if you change your mind and just ride roughshod over everyone else's feelings.

All the above is just my opinion..

[Pampy]

Completely agree, Patsy. Especially "I'm a bit like that and get annoyed when others interrupt what I was planning."

[Stokey Sue]

I mainly agree with Patsy - my late BF lived alone for most of her adult life and she kind of forgot that there were other ways of doing things and ways of compromising.

It also depends on why you are alone - whatever your friend’s situation, in choosing Trent Bridge, she sounds like one of those people who are solo because they just can’t be bothered with other people - even if it didn’t start that way, that might be how it’s going. That isn’t normal behaviour, whether you live alone or not. I’ve lived alone much of my adult life and I would never have done that and neither would my BF.

Thinking of the two long term solo women I know quite well from backgammon I’d describe one as incredibly self-centred and the other not - two of us occasionally share accommodations to make life easier but I’d be very wary of sharing with the other - I might commit murder.

[herbidacious]

If you spend time with others, then you are forced to think about them habitually, although people do this to a greater or less degree. I imagine that if you are not spending much time with people then you might just get out of the habit of thinking about the needs of others and the impact of your actions or inactions on them. If you don't start off thinking about others much, this is only going to be exacerbated by being on your own. Potentially. Not necessarily.
This is partly a matter of empathy? Selfishness can involve a concerted decision to put yourself first (maybe not a fully conscious one, but one that is evident in your attitude and inclination to always have a justification for doing basically what you want to do) as you say, Patsy. Or, perhaps more often, someone may just lack of empathy. They fail to think about or comprehend others' needs. Of course empathy can be cultivated, so it's not the case that lacking empathy is an excuse for selfish behaviour unless you have some neurological 'condition', maybe. But people can definitely get out of the habit of practising empathy.
I noticed that some people I know showed a marked drop in empathy after the lockdowns. At least one person doesn't seem to have got it back

My mother became incredibly self-orientated in the last few years - you would say things about you and she would sometimes hear it as if it were about here - I assume this was dementia. She lived on her own but saw lots of people every day. She didn't stop thinking about others. But everything did tend to come back to her!

[Earthmaiden]

I think it is a mental state for the outwardly selfish and can be brought on by being alone and dwelling on things too much. My father suffered from various mental issues later in life and was terribly self-centred (he wasn't living alone) I'm sure without realising it. Similar to a man I know who is bipolar and has no thought for the needs of others at all. He lives with his longsuffering wife and wasn't always like that.

I sometimes think that I have become far too choosy in what I eat, do, watch on TV etc because I don't have to endure the choices of others in my daily home life. It has probably narrowed my horizons. I consider it a luxury that I haven't got to join in with things I don't want to but I'm not hurting anyone by not doing so. I am an only child and although I like socialising, also relish time on my own. I consider myself thoughtful when I am with others and think (hope) it is noticed.

people can definitely get out of the habit of practising empathy.

I think you're right. We can all be blind to the needs of others without meaning to be but people like Sue's friend often have no idea they are putting people out and drift through life inconveniencing others. If you do assertiveness training you are taught to say 'no' to some people's demands and to value yourself more. It can feel very selfish at first if you are used to saying 'yes' and being an underdog. It's getting the balance which can be difficult. If you do, you can be assertive, yet kind and people don't mind.

[Amber]

Interesting, some people say selfish, some say self centred or self orientated, basically the same, but very different. I think you can be the latter without being the former. I also think it’s a bit of an age thing, where you get very set in your ways. I swore it would never happen to me, but sadly it has. I’m turning into my mother .