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Another dilemma

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Another dilemma

Postby Pepper Pig » Sat Jul 10, 2021 10:18 am

When we went for our swimmers’ lunch on Thursday we were beaten to paying the bill by Lulu, one of us, who wanted it all to be her treat as it was her birthday.

Now I was fine with this but the other two really weren’t. I might have done the same had it been mine.

All four of us are reasonably well off. Indeed if it came to figures I would be deemed the poorest.

So why did they feel it was a bit of a slight?

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Seatallan » Sat Jul 10, 2021 10:21 am

That's bizarre PP! I'd not consider it a slight- quite the opposite in fact. I'd think it was a lovely gesture (and that I'd do the same for the group on another occasion). Aren't people odd?
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Re: Another dilemma

Postby PatsyMFagan » Sat Jul 10, 2021 10:38 am

Perhaps you could suggest for the future, that each of you pick up the tab when it's your own birthday ?

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby scullion » Sat Jul 10, 2021 11:19 am

maybe some people are uncomfortable with the feeling of obligation, guilt that they should have ordered something less expensive or feel that someone acting as 'lady bountiful' is a bit patronising.
it would possibly have been better for her to say what she intended before the meal and, as patsy says, an agreement made - although that may have put constraints on ordering and decreased the enjoyment of that and future meals.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Seatallan » Sat Jul 10, 2021 11:27 am

I still don't get it. I can see that if it had been a slap-up meal at a posh restaurant you'd feel a bit furtive about someone insisting on footing the bill without prior warning, but for a lunch in the circs PP describes I'd not have had an issue whatsoever. As I say, I'd have thought it was a lovely gesture.
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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Sloe-Gin » Sat Jul 10, 2021 12:03 pm

Pepper Pig wrote:When we went for our swimmers’ lunch on Thursday we were beaten to paying the bill by Lulu, one of us, who wanted it all to be her treat as it was her birthday.

Now I was fine with this but the other two really weren’t. I might have done the same had it been mine.

All four of us are reasonably well off. Indeed if it came to figures I would be deemed the poorest.

So why did they feel it was a bit of a slight?


it sounds as if it was done after the meal, so everyone had chosen what they wanted without thinking of the cost to others. I think it was a very kind gesture, but maybe set the ground rules next time? Or, if you want to return the favour on your birthday, tell them in advance. She sounds a very thoughtful person, PP

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Suffs » Sat Jul 10, 2021 12:41 pm

I'm with Scully on this one ... none of us are privy to the all the financial ins and outs of our friends and acquaintances, nor of their upbringing and experiences re money ... sometimes, while things are done with the best of intentions, some folk can feel very awkward about instances of generosity, even when it's done with the kindest of intentions.

Think I'd have suggested it up front, then no one would have felt they'd been 'manoeuvred' into a situation where they couldn't refuse.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby slimpersoninside » Sat Jul 10, 2021 12:45 pm

For whatever reason your friend wanted to buy you all lunch and I'm guessing it made her happy to do it.

She may well have left it until after as she didn't want anyone holding back.

I can understand some people might feel a bit uncomfortable but it's obviously something she wanted to do and maybe just accept it as her gesture of friendship.

If it's going to be the way forward for your collective birthdays have a discussion and set the boundaries (if any!). If you're all comfortably off I don't expect paying for a 1-in-4 slap up meal once a year would bother any of you and would also bring you pleasure.

ETA. I posted this before Suffs post. I didn't really think about not knowing others circumstances, just took their financial situations at face value.
DD and her group of friends (4 of them) pay for their own birthday outing. There is a financial element to it, some having more disposable income than others. They are aware of each others position (roughly) and accept what each of them can afford to do without any judgement and enjoy whatever they do for what it is, a friend's birthday.
Last edited by slimpersoninside on Sat Jul 10, 2021 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Suffs » Sat Jul 10, 2021 12:50 pm

slimpersoninside wrote: .... If it's going to be the way forward for your collective birthdays have a discussion and set the boundaries (if any!). If you're all comfortably off I don't expect paying for a 1-in-4 slap up meal once a year would bother any of you and would also bring you pleasure.



That's a very sensible and thoughtful idea :thumbsup

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Pepper Pig » Sat Jul 10, 2021 1:09 pm

I don’t get it either Sea. I was delighted

I really wouldn’t want the obligation of always paying on our birthdays either. It’s not when we dine out. It was a lovely gesture.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Pepper Pig » Sat Jul 10, 2021 3:45 pm

I should add that this was our yearly Christmas outing! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Bloody Covid! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Pepper Pig » Sat Jul 10, 2021 4:30 pm

And, as another aside, there might be a cultural thing involved. Lovely Lulu is a very, very rich but humble Iraqi lady. Pat would know the private road she lives in in Ickenham. We all love her to bits and I still don’t get the attitude of the others. It would have upset her so much if we’d refused.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby KeenCook2 » Sat Jul 10, 2021 6:57 pm

Hopefully they were gracious enough that Lulu didn't feel hurt?

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Pepper Pig » Sat Jul 10, 2021 7:38 pm

Yes indeed. And they are all good people.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Earthmaiden » Sun Jul 11, 2021 8:47 am

Guess it's just that they haven't learnt that sometimes gifts are given from the heart and should be accepted gracefully. I expect their first thought was along the lines of 'Oh pooh,we'll all have to do this now, how awkward'. I understand particularly if you haven't got much and would struggle to pay such a bill, the desire to be seen to be doing the right thing is even greater then. Nope, you don't have to. It was a kind gesture.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Badger's Mate » Sun Jul 11, 2021 10:25 am

I can't see why somebody should feel guilty about what they ordered when somebody else has decided to foot the bill. It would be different if everyone knew in advance or there was obligation.

Given the circumstances as described by PP, it seems far less unfair than the common practice of splitting a bill equally when some people have three courses and get bladdered whereas others might skip dessert and stick to water.

I would hate the thought that generosity became unfashionable because some find it patronising. It's already a potential issue for some charities.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby scullion » Sun Jul 11, 2021 12:38 pm

Badger's Mate wrote: it seems far less unfair than the common practice of splitting a bill equally when some people have three courses and get bladdered whereas others might skip dessert and stick to water.


i was the loser in that scenario once, in the late seventies. i, and flatmates, went to a posh japanese restaurant in south ken when we were students (well, i was a student , they had just qualified and were working). there was virtually nothing on the menu that was vegetarian and i had the equivalent of a bowl of rice and a glass of water (i wasn't drinking alcohol for a while) but the bill was split between us and i had to cough up the equivalent of a couple of weeks food money for that.

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Suelle » Sun Jul 11, 2021 2:00 pm

Given the circumstances as described by PP, it seems far less unfair than the common practice of splitting a bill equally when some people have three courses and get bladdered whereas others might skip dessert and stick to water.


On the other hand, I've been out to regular lunches with 4 other couples over the last 15 years or more. We used to split the bill equally until one member of a couple objected, a few years ago. It's been so embarrassing to sit there with everyone trying to work out their rightful share of the bill, then adding a bit for the tip, then finding we're still short of the correct amount because someone's maths was wrong, or they'd forgotten a third drink!

There was never much difference between equal splits and exact costs - in fact the one who objected was the one who likely missed out most as she often couldn't eat much off the menu because of allergies and intolerances, and usually ended up with steak, which is the most expensive thing on most menus

I got to the stage where I was surreptitiously writing down the cost of my meal and drinks as we went along, but still had to sit and watch while everyone else did sums on the backs of envelopes. :lol:
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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Pepper Pig » Sun Jul 11, 2021 3:41 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Another dilemma

Postby Badger's Mate » Mon Jul 12, 2021 10:12 am

:D

It doesn't have to be exact though, does it?

Obviously some people are always going to moan or nit-pick, but for example, splitting the food bill between the diners and the drinks bill between the drinkers is fairer. It's not perfect but it shows consideration for the drivers, for instance. No matter how excruciating the calculations are, it's not as embarrassing as not having the means to foot the bill, although you have eaten within your budget. I suppose these days it doesn't happen so often as most people have got cards.

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